Both. There was this kid, he... What mattered was that the explosive part of my gift? The molecular manipulation and all of that? It triggered then. In a chemistry lab. I barely got people out in time.
[And it was what it was. He's on his feet. He's pacing and shaking. Because this is the worst thing, this is beyond the worst thing. And Tommy is sharing it anyway. Just for him. Because it's fair.]
I was there so long. The place wanted a weapon. An assassin that could get in and get out. Leave a mess that will make people look for a chemical bomb, and not a person. I was supposed to stop being a person and be a tool. And the only reason I got out? Because Billy's boyfriend got kidnapped.
Yet you did get them out. [He nods, understanding this part at least: that this story was difficult in the telling. Tommy had never had support. Loki could give him that much.] Regardless of how you did get out. They did not have you. You are not a weapon.
The first person in this life that wanted me was some kid that looked like me from a perfect family. And we got told immediately by a Skrull leader that we were the children of the Scarlet Witch and The Vision. Vision, who kept records of teens with powers. Who would have seen Billy and me, and how were look the same. How our powers fit our family. And he didn't CARE. He didn't help me. He didn't get me out. He didn't give a fuck, and never did even after he learned everything, even after who we were was found.
And Billy. Fucking Billy. And his perfect family. The magic gave him that. And I got the Shepherds.
Billy, with his perfect family, cared about you. [That's what he'd heard.] I understand that's difficult to hear, and even harder to accept. [He raised a hand to still his protest.] I do. I realize it wasn't the same, but Asgard loved Thor, because he was the strongest, the most proficient, the most earnest and brave, because he was tall, broad of shoulder with a towering shadow and a confident swagger, and I hated him for it, but when I fell, father let go, and when I came home, father cursed me to the dungeons and forbade my mother to see me, but when I took a poisoned dagger from a dark elf, and when Thanos crushed my throat, it was Thor who wept for me. Billy would, too. He cared and he didn't have to. He owed you nothing.
[He blinks at the boy, shaking his head. He really has no idea how to handle this situation, except to react to how ludicrous that concept is, reality-warping powers be damned.]
Tommy. Do you honestly believe your brother invented your treatment by the Shepherds? Your experiences in prison? What are we if not the sum of our lives? Regardless of where you've come from, you are real. [He takes a steadying breath before adding the last because stating his feelings honestly has always been his shortcoming.] And you are my friend, and he is not a fiction.
Billy doesn't always think that far ahead. I think he needed something, and he made someone who could fill that need, who would have a reason to help him. And the universe filled it in, filled all the gaps without guidance.
[And that's a problem.]
Because why else do I have such a terrible life and his is perfect?
[The past is a thing. And Tommy's seems to keep coming for him here.]
I was loved once. Wanda and Vision wanted a kid so much. Kids. And she made us, from magic and fragments of the soul of the demon Mephisto. Two kids. We were loved. And then we died. And... and she went crazy, she hurt so much over the loss of us.
And no one ever loved me again. Not in this life. Which, fucking hell, started before that kid she loved was ever born.
[No one wanted him in this life until Billy, and then Billy...]
I'm not arguing your point, Tommy, but the past won't change the longer you dwell upon it or the longer you lament what you once had. Do you even remember your first life, or are you mourning something you were told? [He frowns. He knows how that is, too.] It's a fool's errand, that. We...have something here, I think, or does our friendship here mean nothing because of what you never had in your own world?
[He doesn't get it at all. Tommy is upset because he is 19 and the only people who seem to care about him back home are a twin that can't understand him, a team that abandoned him, and a guy he knew for two days. And all but the last had abandoned him, like everyone else. So he's angry and this place makes no sense and he hates how much he is jealous of Loki's life. And how he would trade it for Loki's in an instant.
This is the first time people have seemed to want him for him.]
Are we friends, Loki? Or am I a tool you're keeping for a rainy day?
People... everyone's always wanted to use me for my powers. Those people that my parents gave me to, Billy, his team, my grandfather. You're Loki. The guy with plans and stuff like that. Why are you a person that wants me for me when everyone else...?
[This place makes no sense.]
What is with this place? It's hell in form, but it's like it keeps holding out all these things I want. And it's going to blow up in my face. I just know it.
[Yes, he considers Loki a friend. And he doesn't like how good it makes him feel that Loki thinks of him as a friend.]
It's true. I do always have a plan, and I'm well aware of exactly how I might best apply the use of your powers, and anyone would be a fool to trust me at my word. [He smiles, though.] But...I deeply appreciate that you do.
[He laughs.]
Tommy. When I was a boy, I turned myself into a snake to trick my brother into toying with me and stabbed him. I sent an ancient weapon to kill him, and I nearly sold him into slavery. How in Heaven's name do you think I deserve a better friend...or one at all?
Name one thing you've done to hurt him since you got here. Name one thing you've done to hurt me. To hurt this place.
[He doesn't think you can, Loki, not really.]
I blew up part of a school. I stole food. I tried to murder the people who were holding me by blowing them up. I destroyed the facility where they kept me and threatened the lives of the people in charge to make sure it doesn't happen again, and then gave their data to people to make sure they didn't do it.
The thing that decides between good and evil is the choice we make.
[And that's the thing Tommy envies his brother. That Billy never had to make the choice. He always knew, instinctively, what he was.]
I want to watch the world burn. The people who hurt me suffer. My parents suffer. I'm a bad person, Loki. I just refuse to let that win. Even though I really want it to.
I disagree. [For a long time, he felt no guilt whatsoever over wanting Asgard to burn, over wanting to destroy Jotunheim with his bare hands, over wanting the humans of Earth to kneel and worship him, over wanting to force the people of Asgard to mourn him. He'd been hurt, lost.] You're a young man with fresh wounds barely healed. Bad people don't lament their desires. They act upon them. When the wounds are scars, you'll feel differently. Still, I think no less of you. Anyone who knows my reputation assumes I mean only to manipulate them and toss them aside once I'm through. For a long time, I sufficed to fulfill their expectations. I reveled in it, but...because of that, I missed everything. Don't do that, Tommy. Don't throw away everything for spite. It isn't worth it.
And what if everything throws me away, time and time again?
[He hands hit the table hard, because dammit, it happens. Always. Wanda claimed them as her children but then disappeared. Billy and the team picked him up from his worst and then abandoned him. His grandfather played and caring about them, and disappeared with the X-Men right after, without even offering to take Tommy with him. Pietro ran off and didn't say a word.
Everyone left him. And this place is just building it all up, holding its breath for the drop.
He's angry and his hand hits the table hard, vibrating with energy. There are two ways that things can go when he puts too much vibration into them. The vast majority of the time they explode. Once in a while? He hits their resonant frequency. Those things go out in their own, no less spectacular way. in this case the table gives a loud crack as it splits into four large pieces, none of the cracks anywhere near his hand, and collapses in toward the center.
And his eyes fill with panic. He's in trouble now.]
[He hadn't expected the destruction of the table, but it was a handy side-effect of Tommy's powers to note. Not that he was thinking of how he could best use them to his advantage. Well, he was. It wasn't the sort of thing he could stop, and he was often thinking of multiple things at once, but it wasn't at the forefront of his mind.
He stood, dusting the settling debris from his tunic.]
I thought it a bit plain myself, the table. [He smiled, reassuring, comforting in his own way.] I can't speak for everything, but I have no intention of discarding you. Think of what it would do to Speedy.
[Problem with a speedster like Tommy? He thinks fast. Ungodly fast. Loki might be able to think of multiple things at once, but Tommy is good at monofocus at speeds even computers can't fathom. And thus he's got weeks in his head to think about and fear the response he's going to get. Rejection. Concern. Annoyance. Several means where this rolls out into some plan Loki has. A few situations where he gets in SERIOUS trouble here for destruction of public property. Arrest. Being sent home. Lots of things.
None of it prepares him for the actual response. Which is a non-response. What the fuck? Tommy's just left staring at Loki in confusion.]
I just... I just accidentally broke a table and you're making a joke? And don't worry about Speedy. Mom or Uncle Marcos would take him I expect.
Is that somehow in error? Should I mourn it? Burn it in effigy? [He smiles, raises a hand, a ripple of energy fluxing around his outstretched palm as he swipes, that ripple darting quickly over the debris and moving it to one side of the reading space, then he clenches his fist and where the remains stood was nothing, and the table was intact again, at least for all appearances.] Ah, but there's no broken table, is there? We should be going. Coffee?
[That is literally what he's done his entire life, Tommy, but he smiles, amused and more than a little fond.]
Now that is precisely the response a good person would have. [He breathes a sigh.] Well, then. Let us go find the librarian and confess this most heinous destruction of property. You'll likely be hanged for this.
Or shielding, but...yes. My talents lie in illusion, deception, telekinesis...conjuration. But I can't conjure a table. Thor's life would have been much easier if I could.
[He breathes a sigh.] It's a table, Tommy. No one's died or even wounded. You'll apologize and then we'll find some means of recompense. I'm with you, don't worry.
Yeah, well, the life I live, people don't tend to take apologies.
[That isn't the world he knows, and this place confuses him. He tries, he tries so hard but this place is constant confusion. None of the pieces fit together right. Or the people.]
Fine, hide it, whatever. Doesn't matter. Just another in a line of sucky birthdays. At least I get to be aware of this one.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 11:05 pm (UTC)[And it was what it was. He's on his feet. He's pacing and shaking. Because this is the worst thing, this is beyond the worst thing. And Tommy is sharing it anyway. Just for him. Because it's fair.]
I was there so long. The place wanted a weapon. An assassin that could get in and get out. Leave a mess that will make people look for a chemical bomb, and not a person. I was supposed to stop being a person and be a tool. And the only reason I got out? Because Billy's boyfriend got kidnapped.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 11:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 11:22 pm (UTC)The first person in this life that wanted me was some kid that looked like me from a perfect family. And we got told immediately by a Skrull leader that we were the children of the Scarlet Witch and The Vision. Vision, who kept records of teens with powers. Who would have seen Billy and me, and how were look the same. How our powers fit our family. And he didn't CARE. He didn't help me. He didn't get me out. He didn't give a fuck, and never did even after he learned everything, even after who we were was found.
And Billy. Fucking Billy. And his perfect family. The magic gave him that. And I got the Shepherds.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 12:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 01:04 am (UTC)That brother of mine? Who is gonna be a god and make the world and all that shit? He shapes reality to his will. Loki...
[He puts a hand against the table top, and it hurts to say this, but he's been thinking it since Noh-Varr told him everything.]
What if I'm not even real?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 02:35 am (UTC)Tommy. Do you honestly believe your brother invented your treatment by the Shepherds? Your experiences in prison? What are we if not the sum of our lives? Regardless of where you've come from, you are real. [He takes a steadying breath before adding the last because stating his feelings honestly has always been his shortcoming.] And you are my friend, and he is not a fiction.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 02:50 am (UTC)[And that's a problem.]
Because why else do I have such a terrible life and his is perfect?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 02:58 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 03:05 am (UTC)I was loved once. Wanda and Vision wanted a kid so much. Kids. And she made us, from magic and fragments of the soul of the demon Mephisto. Two kids. We were loved. And then we died. And... and she went crazy, she hurt so much over the loss of us.
And no one ever loved me again. Not in this life. Which, fucking hell, started before that kid she loved was ever born.
[No one wanted him in this life until Billy, and then Billy...]
You had a family, Loki. At least you had that.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 03:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 03:48 am (UTC)This is the first time people have seemed to want him for him.]
Are we friends, Loki? Or am I a tool you're keeping for a rainy day?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 03:52 am (UTC)Would you believe me if I said that yes, I do consider you a friend and that I have a grand total of two of those?
[The trouble with being so deceptive was no one believed you when you were telling the truth.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 03:55 am (UTC)[This place makes no sense.]
What is with this place? It's hell in form, but it's like it keeps holding out all these things I want. And it's going to blow up in my face. I just know it.
[Yes, he considers Loki a friend. And he doesn't like how good it makes him feel that Loki thinks of him as a friend.]
You deserve better friends than me.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:03 am (UTC)[He laughs.]
Tommy. When I was a boy, I turned myself into a snake to trick my brother into toying with me and stabbed him. I sent an ancient weapon to kill him, and I nearly sold him into slavery. How in Heaven's name do you think I deserve a better friend...or one at all?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:06 am (UTC)[He doesn't think you can, Loki, not really.]
I blew up part of a school. I stole food. I tried to murder the people who were holding me by blowing them up. I destroyed the facility where they kept me and threatened the lives of the people in charge to make sure it doesn't happen again, and then gave their data to people to make sure they didn't do it.
The thing that decides between good and evil is the choice we make.
[And that's the thing Tommy envies his brother. That Billy never had to make the choice. He always knew, instinctively, what he was.]
I want to watch the world burn. The people who hurt me suffer. My parents suffer. I'm a bad person, Loki. I just refuse to let that win. Even though I really want it to.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:21 am (UTC)[He hands hit the table hard, because dammit, it happens. Always. Wanda claimed them as her children but then disappeared. Billy and the team picked him up from his worst and then abandoned him. His grandfather played and caring about them, and disappeared with the X-Men right after, without even offering to take Tommy with him. Pietro ran off and didn't say a word.
Everyone left him. And this place is just building it all up, holding its breath for the drop.
He's angry and his hand hits the table hard, vibrating with energy. There are two ways that things can go when he puts too much vibration into them. The vast majority of the time they explode. Once in a while? He hits their resonant frequency. Those things go out in their own, no less spectacular way. in this case the table gives a loud crack as it splits into four large pieces, none of the cracks anywhere near his hand, and collapses in toward the center.
And his eyes fill with panic. He's in trouble now.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:29 am (UTC)He stood, dusting the settling debris from his tunic.]
I thought it a bit plain myself, the table. [He smiled, reassuring, comforting in his own way.] I can't speak for everything, but I have no intention of discarding you. Think of what it would do to Speedy.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:34 am (UTC)None of it prepares him for the actual response. Which is a non-response. What the fuck? Tommy's just left staring at Loki in confusion.]
I just... I just accidentally broke a table and you're making a joke? And don't worry about Speedy. Mom or Uncle Marcos would take him I expect.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:41 am (UTC)This isn't better. You can't... You can't just make mistakes and problems and stupidity go away by sweeping it under a rug.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:46 am (UTC)Now that is precisely the response a good person would have. [He breathes a sigh.] Well, then. Let us go find the librarian and confess this most heinous destruction of property. You'll likely be hanged for this.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:49 am (UTC)[Back on his Earth, in some parts of the country, this would actually get a kid lynched. Mutants aren't accepted.]
I'm guessing you can't fix this for real. Your magic is just about hiding stuff, or hiding you.
[Hiding doesn't make things better.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 04:59 am (UTC)[He breathes a sigh.] It's a table, Tommy. No one's died or even wounded. You'll apologize and then we'll find some means of recompense. I'm with you, don't worry.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 05:01 am (UTC)[That isn't the world he knows, and this place confuses him. He tries, he tries so hard but this place is constant confusion. None of the pieces fit together right. Or the people.]
Fine, hide it, whatever. Doesn't matter. Just another in a line of sucky birthdays. At least I get to be aware of this one.
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