[He wants to blow it off. He wants to bolt. He wants to do a lot of things that aren't being here at this moment. But... When he eyes the door his gaze returns to Loki and he remembers. This is the guy that told him a lot about his life. And the mistakes of it. It's... fair.]
[Wow, what an asshole. Tommy glares at Loki at the comment.]
Yeah, come back to me when you're on your second fucking life and it's a hundred times shittier than your first and you only ever had two birthday parties and that only because you were added on to your soul-twin's birthday parties!
[What a question. One that Tommy really doesn't know how to answer. He sighs and leans back in his chair.]
Because no one ever cared to celebrate it before. Not for me. I asked one of the older Avengers, once, what it was like when Thomas and William Maximoff had their birthdays at the manor. They were these huge affairs. The Avengers all came to celebrate. They had cake and balloons and a party magician.
Basically... Basically no one has cared about it being my birthday since before I was born, which was also like, three years ago or something along those lines. Which is fucking stupid. And if I tell people here, they're going to think I'm asking for something. And I know better than to do that.
Ah. [And his smile actually turns more genuine.] And a happy birthday it was. You know, [and then he smirks conspiratorially.] I never much cared for parties, either. Somehow I always knew they were for my brother.
That's what it was like after I joined the Young Avengers. It wasn't a party for me. I was an after thought.
[Chances were he wasn't. He just felt that way.]
Thing is... I'm not used to people caring about it, you know? But on Halloween I'd sneak out of my house and go to get candy, like it was some sorta gifts. And when I got older and fast, I crashed all the coolest parties. It was like people were celebrating for me, not with me. And if it really turns out to be worse than that for real... well that would be depressing.
[After experiencing death, the finality of it, the hopelessness of it really, it seemed to have gotten easier, discussing feelings. Maybe it had something to do with having them broadcast so finitely to everyone's minds. They all knew what he'd felt in those final moments. It almost seemed useless to claim otherwise.
He did offer Tommy a slight smile, one of understanding rather than amusement.]
It's easy to go unnoticed when your brother casts such an imposing shadow.
[Tommy glares down at the table, because how do you RESPOND to that statement? Especially given his whole situation. It's so much more complicated with Billy.]
It's not just that. There's... You don't get what it was like for me. You were still a prince. Your birthday still mattered, right? Your mother loved you.
Careful, Tommy. You're bordering on petulance. [But there was no malice in his voice at the statement. It was more of an observation than anything. Tommy often reminded Loki he was very young, even by human standards.] But yes, my mother loved me. As for the rest...Asgard has always been a realm that valued physical prowess to cunning or trickery. I've never had a skillset befitting a prince of the realm, let alone one who may eventually wear the crown. Trust me, I understand being undesired in the face of your brother's ability.
No, shut up for a second. That’s the fucking difference between us, Loki. And it isn’t fucking petulance. At some point in your life, someone wanted you. For you. Not because they are supposed to or they are tied to you. Because they loved you. Asgard May have sucked but someone wanted you.
That... that wasn’t what I had. I had to come here to be wanted because I’m Tommy. Not because I’m someone’s soul-twin or a useful teammate or something. But for me.
[Maybe it was the tone in Tommy's voice or the earnestness in his eyes, but Loki did shut up and let the boy talk. No. Not "the boy". Tommy. His friend. The one who'd actually listened to him when he'd told his story, who had accepted he'd made mistakes and still accepted him, who'd defended him.
He looked over to him apologetically and with sympathy, and nodded.]
Is that so bad, though? I can count my friends as precious few, and you among them.
[He's angry, that much is absolutely happening, and he's angry because i doesn't deserve to be angry and he knows it. Or so he's always thought. So he's always been told.]
Frank and Mary Shepherd had a good relationship, until me. I know this because they fucking told me to my damn face when I was five. My parents told me that I was a mistake and I was ruining everything. I was the problem with their relationship and happened because of a broken condom. After that, they didn't hesitate to tell me that they didn't want me, but they couldn't get rid of me.
I was five. I could barely spell my fucking name, and I knew that no one in the world wanted me. That they'd prefer it if I fucking died in a car accident or got super sick and they could pull the plug.
[Loki was reminded, quite suddenly, of a heated conversation he'd had with his father four years ago. Maybe it was the weight of the chains that made the memory sting so acutely, but the words rang truer than he'd ever known, given context, finally, and demonstration, by this...truer friend than he'd ever known.
'You attempted to seize control of Earth for your own gain, and for what?' Odin had chided. 'It was my birthright' Loki's insolent reply. 'your birthright was to DIE' Odin had retorted angrily...and he'd been correct He was misformed by Jotun standards, a burden, a disgrace, and...Odin had saved him from that, had given him a home, a place to belong, however awkward it had been.
Tommy had no such reprieve. The empathy was uncomfortable, palpable, but for once, he didn't turn away from it. Instead, he looked up, determined, angry on his friend's behalf.]
And for that, I hope their deaths were slow and painful.
They are alive. Divorced. And happier now that I'm gone. I've looked. I've watched them. They're happier and better without me. They were fucking RIGHT. They're better without me. But long before that, they showed me how much they didn't want me. Frank hit me. Never in ways to get caught. But he hit me. 'Discipline' he called it. Mary? Didn't see the point to feeding me all that much. And it only got worse when my mutant gift manifested. Because effectively, I was getting starved. I had to steal to eat enough. Which meant trouble with the law a lot.
[He clenched his jaw in anger. It hasn't been often that Loki felt rage on another's behalf, and for a very long time. Now, it felt somehow impotent. These poor excuses for parents were beyond his punishment and they sorely deserved pain. He took a deep breath and leveled his gaze on Tommy again.]
I am truly sorry, Tommy. I'm...glad this place is better for you.
I blew my school up, when I was fifteen. It was a mistake. They were my legal guardians. They gave me a public defender, and my parents told him to make it go away. So they wouldn't be bothered. He made me plead out. You... saw that memory, right? They signed me over to that place. They never visited. They never cared. They let those people HAVE me.
Both. There was this kid, he... What mattered was that the explosive part of my gift? The molecular manipulation and all of that? It triggered then. In a chemistry lab. I barely got people out in time.
[And it was what it was. He's on his feet. He's pacing and shaking. Because this is the worst thing, this is beyond the worst thing. And Tommy is sharing it anyway. Just for him. Because it's fair.]
I was there so long. The place wanted a weapon. An assassin that could get in and get out. Leave a mess that will make people look for a chemical bomb, and not a person. I was supposed to stop being a person and be a tool. And the only reason I got out? Because Billy's boyfriend got kidnapped.
Yet you did get them out. [He nods, understanding this part at least: that this story was difficult in the telling. Tommy had never had support. Loki could give him that much.] Regardless of how you did get out. They did not have you. You are not a weapon.
The first person in this life that wanted me was some kid that looked like me from a perfect family. And we got told immediately by a Skrull leader that we were the children of the Scarlet Witch and The Vision. Vision, who kept records of teens with powers. Who would have seen Billy and me, and how were look the same. How our powers fit our family. And he didn't CARE. He didn't help me. He didn't get me out. He didn't give a fuck, and never did even after he learned everything, even after who we were was found.
And Billy. Fucking Billy. And his perfect family. The magic gave him that. And I got the Shepherds.
Billy, with his perfect family, cared about you. [That's what he'd heard.] I understand that's difficult to hear, and even harder to accept. [He raised a hand to still his protest.] I do. I realize it wasn't the same, but Asgard loved Thor, because he was the strongest, the most proficient, the most earnest and brave, because he was tall, broad of shoulder with a towering shadow and a confident swagger, and I hated him for it, but when I fell, father let go, and when I came home, father cursed me to the dungeons and forbade my mother to see me, but when I took a poisoned dagger from a dark elf, and when Thanos crushed my throat, it was Thor who wept for me. Billy would, too. He cared and he didn't have to. He owed you nothing.
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branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 05:21 am (UTC)[He places a slip of paper in the book he'd started flipping through, sliding it closed, affording Tommy his full attention.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 05:23 am (UTC)It's my birthday. Tell anyone and I'll punch you.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 05:27 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 05:29 am (UTC)Yeah, come back to me when you're on your second fucking life and it's a hundred times shittier than your first and you only ever had two birthday parties and that only because you were added on to your soul-twin's birthday parties!
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 05:43 am (UTC)Easy. It was a joke, and a poor one. You have friends here, don't you? Why not celebrate without your brother?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 05:48 am (UTC)Because no one ever cared to celebrate it before. Not for me. I asked one of the older Avengers, once, what it was like when Thomas and William Maximoff had their birthdays at the manor. They were these huge affairs. The Avengers all came to celebrate. They had cake and balloons and a party magician.
Basically... Basically no one has cared about it being my birthday since before I was born, which was also like, three years ago or something along those lines. Which is fucking stupid. And if I tell people here, they're going to think I'm asking for something. And I know better than to do that.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 06:23 am (UTC)Tommy, I know we haven't known one another long, but I would happily celebrate your birthday with you.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 06:26 am (UTC)You... sorta already did, Loki. The whole haunted house stuff. The food and stuff after?
[Tommy's attempt to have a party for himself, and no one needed to know. Even if it had been early.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 06:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-10-30 06:48 am (UTC)[Chances were he wasn't. He just felt that way.]
Thing is... I'm not used to people caring about it, you know? But on Halloween I'd sneak out of my house and go to get candy, like it was some sorta gifts. And when I got older and fast, I crashed all the coolest parties. It was like people were celebrating for me, not with me. And if it really turns out to be worse than that for real... well that would be depressing.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 05:48 pm (UTC)He did offer Tommy a slight smile, one of understanding rather than amusement.]
It's easy to go unnoticed when your brother casts such an imposing shadow.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 05:51 pm (UTC)It's not just that. There's... You don't get what it was like for me. You were still a prince. Your birthday still mattered, right? Your mother loved you.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 08:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 08:47 pm (UTC)That... that wasn’t what I had. I had to come here to be wanted because I’m Tommy. Not because I’m someone’s soul-twin or a useful teammate or something. But for me.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 09:31 pm (UTC)He looked over to him apologetically and with sympathy, and nodded.]
Is that so bad, though? I can count my friends as precious few, and you among them.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 09:40 pm (UTC)[He's angry, that much is absolutely happening, and he's angry because i doesn't deserve to be angry and he knows it. Or so he's always thought. So he's always been told.]
Frank and Mary Shepherd had a good relationship, until me. I know this because they fucking told me to my damn face when I was five. My parents told me that I was a mistake and I was ruining everything. I was the problem with their relationship and happened because of a broken condom. After that, they didn't hesitate to tell me that they didn't want me, but they couldn't get rid of me.
I was five. I could barely spell my fucking name, and I knew that no one in the world wanted me. That they'd prefer it if I fucking died in a car accident or got super sick and they could pull the plug.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 09:52 pm (UTC)'You attempted to seize control of Earth for your own gain, and for what?' Odin had chided. 'It was my birthright' Loki's insolent reply. 'your birthright was to DIE' Odin had retorted angrily...and he'd been correct He was misformed by Jotun standards, a burden, a disgrace, and...Odin had saved him from that, had given him a home, a place to belong, however awkward it had been.
Tommy had no such reprieve. The empathy was uncomfortable, palpable, but for once, he didn't turn away from it. Instead, he looked up, determined, angry on his friend's behalf.]
And for that, I hope their deaths were slow and painful.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 10:18 pm (UTC)[Tommy laughs and shakes his head. If only.]
They are alive. Divorced. And happier now that I'm gone. I've looked. I've watched them. They're happier and better without me. They were fucking RIGHT. They're better without me. But long before that, they showed me how much they didn't want me. Frank hit me. Never in ways to get caught. But he hit me. 'Discipline' he called it. Mary? Didn't see the point to feeding me all that much. And it only got worse when my mutant gift manifested. Because effectively, I was getting starved. I had to steal to eat enough. Which meant trouble with the law a lot.
[And they didn't care about that either.]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 10:31 pm (UTC)I am truly sorry, Tommy. I'm...glad this place is better for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 10:42 pm (UTC)I blew my school up, when I was fifteen. It was a mistake. They were my legal guardians. They gave me a public defender, and my parents told him to make it go away. So they wouldn't be bothered. He made me plead out. You... saw that memory, right? They signed me over to that place. They never visited. They never cared. They let those people HAVE me.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 10:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 11:05 pm (UTC)[And it was what it was. He's on his feet. He's pacing and shaking. Because this is the worst thing, this is beyond the worst thing. And Tommy is sharing it anyway. Just for him. Because it's fair.]
I was there so long. The place wanted a weapon. An assassin that could get in and get out. Leave a mess that will make people look for a chemical bomb, and not a person. I was supposed to stop being a person and be a tool. And the only reason I got out? Because Billy's boyfriend got kidnapped.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 11:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-02 11:22 pm (UTC)The first person in this life that wanted me was some kid that looked like me from a perfect family. And we got told immediately by a Skrull leader that we were the children of the Scarlet Witch and The Vision. Vision, who kept records of teens with powers. Who would have seen Billy and me, and how were look the same. How our powers fit our family. And he didn't CARE. He didn't help me. He didn't get me out. He didn't give a fuck, and never did even after he learned everything, even after who we were was found.
And Billy. Fucking Billy. And his perfect family. The magic gave him that. And I got the Shepherds.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-11-03 12:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
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